Mr Moshé -June 11th, 2013 at 10:26none
Comment author #8233 on Writers by Mr. Moshé's Critically Thinking . . . Are You?
I took a shot at the Villanelle form. It is untitled, but it is not my intention to leave it as such. I am not happy with the rhythm in some lines and I don’t feel the flow in some places. You could give your feedback if you want to, but I have to tell you that I don’t take criticism, I get hit with it. I can not tell you what was going on in my mind when I was writing it, although you could find the post that talks about what was going on around me while I was writing it. Let us not invite an intentional falacy.
TITLE_______??_______TITLE
Inside bright long days as they could get dark
When tide pulls its way in darkest blue
A life I know is nothing to the one I’ll now embark
A stage that screams for me to leave this stark
time and take your remark to impress it on those after you
Inside bright long days as they could get dark
Though your hail and show was just a spark
On anvil to form for futures’ hew
That life I knew was nothing to the one I now embark
On this course through forested thicket park
To lead me only to what I’ll help some accrue
Inside bright long days as they could get dark.
Out of giving cycles and a receiving arc
Hopeful for struggles they will come through
The life I knew is nothing to the one I will now embark
First to embrace the newfangled mark
Into the coming age is where I step true
Inside bright long days as they could get dark
A life I know is nothing to the one I now embark
—————————————————————————
I especially don’t like this line….I had a real problem with the “-ark” rhyme sound. I’m going to consider revising that.
I took a shot at the Villanelle form. It is untitled, but it is not my intention to leave it as such. I am not happy with the rhythm in some lines and I don’t feel the flow in some places. You could give your feedback if you want to, but I have to tell you that I don’t take criticism, I get hit with it. I can not tell you what was going on in my mind when I was writing it, although you could find the post that talks about what was going on around me while I was writing it. Let us not invite an intentional falacy.
TITLE_______??_______TITLE
Inside bright long days as they could get dark
When tide pulls its way in darkest blue
A life I know is nothing to the one I’ll now embark
A stage that screams for me to leave this stark
time and take your remark to impress it on those after you
Inside bright long days as they could get dark
Though your hail and show was just a spark
On anvil to form for futures’ hew
That life I knew was nothing to the one I now embark
On this course through forested thicket park
To lead me only to what I’ll help some accrue
Inside bright long days as they could get dark.
Out of giving cycles and a receiving arc
Hopeful for struggles they will come through
The life I knew is nothing to the one I will now embark
First to embrace the newfangled mark
Into the coming age is where I step true
Inside bright long days as they could get dark
A life I know is nothing to the one I now embark
—————————————————————————
I especially don’t like this line….I had a real problem with the “-ark” rhyme sound. I’m going to consider revising that.